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Monday, 20 December 2010


A "smackanory" is a tale spun by a heroin addict to try and convince you that giving them money towards whatever predicament they've found themselves in is a charitable act, and will DEFINITELY not be spent on drugs. In reality, of course it fucking will! I have been told many a smackanory in my time, most have been uninventive and plain....but some have been ridiculous!

The most common smackanory's always involve a bus fare or a phone box. You can't walk anywhere in city centre's without being approached by some "faces of meth" esque creature, still tripping his nuts off from the needle he's just shoved up his arse because he has no veins left, demanding money to fund their sordid habit. Some can be quite insistent, and won't leave you alone without an incoherent confrontation.

My favourite smackanory's have all come from the same man. A man wearing no shoes, really small shorts, a rancid leather jacket and a Status Quo t-shirt has approached me on my way home several times in the last year. Each time he forgets that he's tried to hustle me before, and tells a fucking ridiculous smackanory. These are my favourite whoppers he's told me;

  • He's told me in the past that he owned a factory that burned down, and he needed some money to get back to it. When I questioned him on what sort of factory it was, how it had burned down etc he told me to fuck off and sprinted away! The only thing this loser owns is a bullshit factory!
  • "I have to get a bus to get to the hospital cos my mum's dying in a few hours". Yeah right....and even if she is dying I'd rather not help you to create a disgusting last image for her of her decrepit skeleton of a son!
  • "My girlfriends locked in my car in Armley, I need a bus fare" WOW....how did you allow your girlfriend to get locked in a car? Are there no working locks from the inside? Why has nobody seen her in distress and helped to set her free? This is by far the worst story I've ever heard, and quickly crumpled under any scrutiny.
For those of you that are getting sick and tired of this bullshit, I've discovered a fun way to call their bluff and ensure that they leave you alone. Obviously don't try this if the particular skag connoseur is threatening or in any way dangerous, but if they're wasted it can be fun.
I was approached by a smackhead in the Summer, where I decided to play along with the smackanory and see how far I could take it. He was obviously completely wasted, his eyes were so red that he looked like an albino, he couldn't walk straight, his face looked like a bag of smashed crabs and his arm was still bleeding. I immediately thought to myself "Don't make eye contact" and clenched my fists in case I had to punch him! He began to shout in a slurred voice "Help me! My girlfriends having a baby I need some money for the phone box!" I stupidly offered to call an ambulance on my mobile, even though I didn't believe a word he was saying. "No don't do that, just give me a couple of quid for the phone box....come on mate it's a emergency" It became pretty clear to me that he wasn't any danger to me, he was so wasted that he could barely stand. I decided that it would be amusing to humour him and see how far he'd be prepared to take the lie. I played along and said that I'd ring the ambulance on my phone, it would be easier than running all the way to a phone box. I pretended to dial the number, and proceeded to have a fake conversation with the ambulance service. I asked him questions about where she was, how far along was she, what was her name etc. After about a minute of this I told him that the ambulance was on its way. As I put down the phone he all of a sudden sprang to life, gave me a cheeky wanker sign and ran off through the park. I laughed my arse off the whole way home!
On reflection I could have probably just got away from this guy by simply ignoring him, but the whole situation was incredibly satisfying. Despite the fact that I had wasted several minutes in this guys company, it felt good to call him up on his lies...and confirm my belief that it isn't a good idea to give these people money.Heroin addiction is a very sad thing, and the people that suffer this affliction often have had awful lives...but I don't think that giving them money will solve any problems. They are obviously incapable of making rational descisions, and enabling them to continue to feed their addiction is a bit like feeding pidgeons.

I could be told the best smackanory in the world....but I'm not giving you shit!


  1. that's 'centres,' not 'centre's.'

  2. Thanks, although personally I think spelling pedanticism is reserved for people that enjoy showing others how educated they are.

  3. I also had a "bus fare" story, except that it was a taxi fare this woman wanted out of me (smack addicts are getting fancy) to "get to her sister's in Ditchling" as she'd "had her purse stolen". As I was sitting in my car at the time I went for the bluff call, and offered to drive her to Ditchling. After a bit more protestation she suddenly whirled away from the car and entered an adjacent phonebox, where she proceeded to pretend to dial a number and talk to an imaginary person on the phone.

  4. I like the ones that start with "Excuse me mate, I'm not a beggar but..."