Deal or No Deal

Deal or No Deal first appeared on our screens in 2005 fronted by 90's Crinkly Bottom throwback Noel Edmonds, and since its inception it shows no sign of dying. The premise of the show is simple, there are 22 boxes containing prizes ranging from 1p to £250,000 and the contestant is responsible for eliminating the boxes one at a time in order to end up with a cash sum of money to take home. Depending on the outcome of the game, "The Banker" , an unseen man on the end of a phone will interject with offers to buy out the contestant, which will spark the question "Deal or no deal?". Whilst the concept sounds simple enough, the show has somehow evolved into a pseudo spiritual quest for everybody involved, so much so that Edmonds has branded the gormless audience as the "pilgrims". These are my top reasons for hating this culture of insanity and their narcissistic box Messiah...

• Noel Edmonds- Noel Edmonds is the man responsible for injecting the show with its ridiculous element of spirituality, constantly professing that there are higher powers at work. He acts as the ringleader of his cult of "pilgrims", coining terms such as "the dream factory" and "the walk of wealth" and casually employing them into conversations like they're valid terms. I can't help but speculate on Noel Edmonds sanity when watching his erratic, often lunatic like approach to presenting. I cringe watching him desperately try to think of something original to say, as it seems that all of his sub par material was expunged years ago in the land of Crinkly Bottom and Mr Blobby.

• The contestants- Deal or No Deal features 22 hapless cretins, all desperately trying to stamp their utterly forgettable personalities onto this hour long circle jerk with "witty" one liners and cringe worthy banter with Noel Edmonds. The contestants act like they're pumped full of laughing gas or have mainlined valium before the show started, nonsensically laughing and relieving themselves at every word uttered from Edmonds beardy mouth regardless of its meaning or relevance. Each contestant accepts responsibility for the box that they stand behind, apologising for unravelling a bad number or celebrating in the fact they just got rid of a good number like they have power over what just happened. This is usually accompanied by a "You're a good man X, it's going to be a blue". Their sense of camaraderie is embarrassingly superficial as they over zealously applaud every single action of the player, whether it be a win or a loss. This mismatched group of fuckwits constantly try and create an air of positivity by chanting "Blue, Blue Blue", as if doing so will magically enhance a players luck, when in reality they end up looking like an insane cult.

• "It's not a game show, it's a real life drama"- Noel Edmonds makes what is in essence an incredibly dull concept a "real life drama" (his words) by encouraging the participants to share their sob stories before their game begins, then exploits this in a rag newspaper fashion throughout the show, siphoning emotion from the participants through the highs and lows of their game. This always climaxes in en masse crying and despair marathon, which makes for some very disturbing viewing.

• It's a game of probability- Deal or No Deal is nothing more than a game of chance, and anybody that believes otherwise is frankly a fucking moron! There is a 1/22 chance of winning the jackpot, yet the show is dressed up like there's more to it than that, an underlying supernatural aura that somehow conducts the outcome of the game. Players will pick numbers that are loosely significant to them, as if this is a legitimate tactic that will have some bearing on the result. For example"My nan died when I was 13, I'm going to pick 13" or "I'm going for number 5, I have 5 fingers on my hand". The contestants and their odd belief that the collective will of everybody in attendance is going to somehow invoke the desired numbers into a box is absolute madness, and is testament to the level of idiocy present in the studio. There is no strategy or skill involved, this game is literally a guessing game in which idiots are undeservedly awarded money for nothing.

Noel's signature sign off at the end of every hour long emotional battering is "You know you'll be watching next time". No Noel, sadly I won't. I'm just waiting for the day that he takes his insane cult to the fiery depths of hell that this show spawned from by doing a Jonestown.