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Friday, 18 January 2013

Keep Calm and Carry On



It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog. I’ve been busy, I’ve been lazy, I’ve been drunk and each of these things have contributed equally to our little blog falling by the wayside. Unfortunately, our silence has not meant that all is well. In our absence the world has grown more disgusting than ever. I still spend my days surrounded by people I despise and evenings drinking gin from the bottle, curled foetal on the floor.

A myriad of things have repulsed me over the last few of months. Students, onesies, students in onesies, fedoras, movember, Bognor Regis, dancing, that fella from Xfactor with the ears, that repugnant show ‘Two Broke Girls’… The list goes on and on. Top of the pile however, and by quite some distance, is the grotesque fad of ‘Keep Calm and something something’ advertising and it is fucking EVERYWHERE.

Originally developed in the 40’s to ‘Keep’ people ‘Calm’ during the Blitz, this once quite creative piece of propaganda has recently been mercilessly raped but the 21st century. It’s impossible to walk through a town centre without coming across piles and piles of mugs, tote bags, shirts, hoodies, posters, badges, magnets, bottle openers and all other manners of useless fucking tat with ‘Keep Calm…’ slogans branded on it.

Keep Calm… is the advertising equivalent of some fella following you around town and hitting you over the back of the head with a pillow.

The first time it happens is a little unexpected. ‘Oh!’ you think ‘that was weird… I mean, I guess it was sort of funny in an annoying way…’ but you presume that decency and common sense would dictate that it stops there. You continue walking about town in your own little world, wondering if you have time for another pint before football when he hits you again. ‘Fine’ you think. ‘It doesn’t hurt. It’s just annoying. I can handle annoying. He’ll get bored before I do’

Several hours later you’re sat in Grubbs trying to concentrate on your burger but the fella is still there and is now hitting you with the pillow every 30 seconds.

Hours turn to days, turn to weeks, turn to months and this fella is still following you around with the pillow, clocking you at every opportunity. You complain to your friends but they don’t see the problem ‘It’s funny’ they tell you.

Eventually the hair on the back of your head disappears through the constant abuse. Your skin thins and begins to weep puss and blood. Each blow begins to sting and burn more and more and soon a gaping hole opens up in your skull. Still your assailant bludgeons you with the pillow, now screaming at you to compound the misery.

‘Keep Calm and Drink Coffee!’ He screams
*wham*
Keep Calm and Ride Bikes!
*wham*
Keep Calm and Shop Local!!’
*wham*
‘KEEP CALM AND KILL ZOMBIES!’
*WHAM*
‘KEEP CALM AND OMG PONIES’
*WHAM*
‘KEEP CALM AND ROCK ON!!!’
*WHAM FUCKING WHAM*
Your knees buckle and you fall to the floor.

Your attacker, sensing weakness, tips back his head and screams ‘YOLO!’ and out of a nearby craft shop comes a girl in a homemade dress who starts whipping you incessantly with a screenprinted ‘Pugs Not Drugs’ tea towel. You look around for help but everyone nearby is too busy drinking craft beers from koozies or else taking Instagram pictures of the scene. More blows descend on your head and your body gives out. The last sound you hear is someone asking ‘Hey, anyone wanna go to Infinity Foods for lunch? We can go up to the craft fair afterwards’ Your torment is finally ended by the pillow wielding maniac crushing what’s left of your skull with his fixie.

I don’t want to over exaggerate things but if you make ‘Keep Calm’ merch, you are a cunt. Not only have you jumped on an already overcrowded bandwagon but you are doing so with the most minimal skill and effort possible. You are the worst. The VERY worst and you are what is wrong with the world.

Using clip art does is not creative. It does not make you an artist. The 'Keep Calm...' Pun that you've come up with ISN'T funny. YOU are not funny. There is absolutely zero merit in what you are doing.

Fuck. You.

16 comments:

  1. http://www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/p/eat-shit-and-die-48/

    I made this, because I completely agree with you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I totally agree with you i hate all this Keep Calm Shit...

    http://clotheskays.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank God for this wonderfully acrimonious and witty rant. I was desperately trying to find someone online who could express the confusion and irritation I have been feeling for years. An encapsulation of all that is odious in contemporary Western culture. Would you mind if I made a short comic based on your story? Credited of course? RGF

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Robert, no of course I don't mind. Crack on.
      Pete x

      Delete
  4. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone in my blood-boiling reaction to all things "Keep calm and..."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ditto. I hate it more than I can say. They might as well read, "Keep Calm and Shut Up While I Spit In Your Face."
      Not to mention, I have always hated the creepy original intention of this propaganda poster. So that, plus this terribly sad and desperate commercialism, makes me want to eat rat poison.

      Delete
  5. First my roommate buys a poster and shows it to me. I think to myself, "ok not rly that funny, there are some way cool posters you could've bought with that money, but whatever." A month later, it's everywhere!! Freaking everywhere!! Thanks for posting this.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You're so damn right! People that make this merch (as well as does that wear it) are cunts. It's a horrible meme to begin with, but its formlessness is the worst. It's just a random exclamation that can be forced in anywhere and isn't funny. It's not like some memes, in which it can be a funny response to only a few particular things. Does anyone see one of these shirts now and think to themselves "That's so original!" Our culture is so repetitive and dull - we just reprocess the same shit over and over.

    ReplyDelete
  7. My name is Robert, from Queens, NYC, and I am abused child as well, although I am close to 40 now. Let's line up all the shit bags who by these fucking wack ass things and ask them one by one why they do so? The pillow hurts don't get me wrong, like Chinese water torture a drop at a time over years becomes an anvil, but once you have become numb to that physical pain the emotional part comes along in the form of KCACOPTSD. It is very important to find out why these things happen to heal from them. Luckily I do not have one friend that wears this thoughtless cheese cloth or has it posted like a fire drill plaque on their wall, however, that sucks because I will never find out why! Why! WHY!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I wish I could actually write coherently I would love to do something like this. I find myself just hating this goddamn culture more and more everyday. These shirts are basically just a metaphor that may not be the right word but you know what I mean. A metaphor for this goddamn idiot culture we are in right now. I don't put myself way above these people I'm a high school dropout but Jesus I feel like i'm stuck in the movie Idiocracy. Worthless celebrity bullshit culture! Keep calm while I murder you for being an asshole wearing a stupid fucking shirt!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Good rant! Next one should be about labels everywhere. Why people wear labels is beyond me. Are they expressing how rich they are, how trendy they are, or how stupid, that your suit came with a label on the arm that you are loathe to remove because it says Armani? Abercrombie and Fitch, who are they, and why are they held in high regard by only people that are fit enough to wear the label plastered all over their chests. A nod to globalism in every walk along the high street.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Some people have entirely WAY TO MUCH time on their hands when they make up slogans like this or other "fads". And what is up with the f*&^ing crown? The older I get, the more I realize that I was born on the wrong planet. God...or something... has a sick sense of humor and has some serious explaining to do.

    ReplyDelete
  11. http://imageshack.com/a/img513/1465/bb0m.jpg hshahahahhahah =)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Strongly agree is an understatement. If you ever find yourself in Houston I will buy as much alcohol as you can fit into your blood stream for writing this.

    ReplyDelete
  13. keep calm = bansky.

    relax hipsters...

    ReplyDelete

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