Britain's Got Talent

It's Saturday night, 10 million people have nothing better to do than become armchair judges for the night and absorb the lowest common denominator of typically saccharine ITV vomit . From the same TV studio that brought you "Katie and Peter- On the Toilet", "I'm a Celebrity Being Forced to Eat a Camel's Scrotum" and "Kerry Katona- Crack Whore Confessions", this is yet another reminder of the depressingly senseless tastes of the general public. These are my top reasons for despising everything about this nightmarish Hello Magazine come to life live event;

• Sob stories- Apparently showcasing your particular talent is no longer enough to appear on BGT, the contestant has to have a heart wrenching "against all odds" tale of woe to capture the fickle hearts of the British public. Contestants will tearfully claim that their Grandmother's dying wish was for them to enter the competition, or that the ghosts of their dead family that burned in a fire visited them in a dream and expressed their wish for them to sing, as they are forever stuck in limbo and their souls can't rest until they have won the competition (too far, but you get the point). I despise the way that these stories are told before the contestant performs in a transparent attempt to conjure an emotional response from the imbecilic viewers when said contestant is predictably approved by the hammy judges after a formulaically dramatic pause between decisions. This is accompanied by emotive music like "Snow Patrol", with a slowly building verse and elated chorus that kicks in as the decision is made, reinforcing the triumph of the contestant and making the gormless simpleton audience feel all warm and fuzzy inside...awwww.

• Exploitation of weirdo's- Before I go on some self righteous rant about the disgusting exploitation of the contestants on BGT, I should point out that this is probably the only part that I and many other twisted voyeurs of social suicide actually enjoy! Despite the fact that this sacrifice to the ravenous general public is shamefully entertaining, it doesn't make it okay. The bodies responsible for arranging auditions are fully aware of the fact that these hopefuls are deluded freaks that have about as much chance of winning the competition as Stephen Hawking does winning the 100 metre sprint at the Olympics, but they still allow the contestant to be humiliated in front of an audience of millions for a cheap laugh.

• The judges- I think the fact that the actual contestants are merely a supporting cast for the staged exploits of the vain judges speaks volumes about the entertainment value of this show. The judges will "spontaneously" begin to argue, resulting in some heavily edited drama that's been doctored to create tension and distract the audience from the monotonous shit they're watching.

• Amanda Holden- Amanda Holden's wacky forced laughter and playful banter with the judges is truly sickening, and it reeks of somebody desperately trying to be liked. All of her interactions feel disingenuous, and they equate to the sincerity of a paedophile at a parole hearing. I think that the value and integrity of the show is summarised by the fact that this second rate (and that's being generous) "actress" is allowed to have an opinion on what constitutes talent. I am struggling to think of any notable television work that she's done, as I've always just referred to her as "that bint that married Les Dennis". After some research it appears that her most illustrious role was being a contestant on "Blind Date"...where she sadly wasn't picked.

• Michael Mcintyre- Since Simon Cowell's departure for greener pastures ($$$), who better to fill his shoes than possibly the most fusty Beano humoured comedian in Britain. "Corrr what about that traffic on the M1?"....."It's a ruddy nightmare getting rid of Scottish bank notes in England", "What about that air-plane food then?" Don't you hate it when your Dad snores....am I right?" HA..it's funny cos it's true! Mcintyre's pedestrian observations of Bourgeois family behavior feel like a reflection on boring Conservative Britain, dull family jokes that are safe, politically correct and digestible. This is exactly the kind of malleable puppet that ITV needs to front a family orientated entertainment show, as he's predictable and will provide a brand of tedious humour that will make the audience chortle. Here's an observation for you Michael, you're a floppy haired arrogant toff with a dated sense of humour and mind numbingly vanilla material.

• David Hasslehoff- Don't hassle the Hoff ......FUCK OFF! David Hasslehoff in recent years has become a one man 80's irony magnet, which has proven to be popular with wacky students in the same way that Pat Sharpe has..."Do u remember funhouse?" "LOL yeah I like to remember old stuff that's no longer relevant too". Okay, "the Hoff" has actually had a fairly successful career in both the television and music industry, but that was 20 years ago! Since appearing in shows with sarcastic talking cars and women with massive tits, the only thing that "the Hoff" has starred in is a depressing home video in which his daughter confronts him with the reality of his alcoholism whilst he clumsily fails at eating a burger in an empty bathtub. Yes, a drunk that can't even eat a fucking burger properly is responsible for judging the the talents of others! Surely there is somebody more capable (and entitled) to be in the judges position?

• The prize- Yet again it's assumed that we're all imbecilic serfs that live in a medieval society in which the royal family holds power over us turnip farmers and blacksmiths, and becoming jesters at the royal variety show is the ultimate goal in our sad, empty lives. Big deal, you get to perform to an archaic institution of inbred German lizards that couldn't give less of a shit about your talent and secretly harbour the urge to lock you in a dungeon or behead you.

• The audience- I HATE the studio audience even more than I hate the armchair audience. It's bad enough that people are wasting their time with this drivel at home, but to actually give up your time and travel to watch this spectacle live is madness! The only way I can describe it is that it's like witnessing some sort off modern day gladiator contest (not the ITV show "Gladiators", I'm talking Romans), and the audience are the bloodthirsty rotten fruit throwing peasants that fill the coliseum and hiss, boo and cheer when prompted to do so. I despise the way that they spontaneously start swaying and singing along to the songs, all the while looking like battered slags on a mad hen night in Hull. These types of simpletons are easily entertained, and would probably cheer for hours if a giant set of keys was hung above them and jingled around!

• Street dance troupe's- Words cannot describe my contempt for these groups, who persistently spout out the same old boring stories about what a positive impact street dancing has had on their lives. "Yeah I got in with the wrong crowd on the streets, but dancing has turned my life around". REALLY? Do you know what might actually enrich your life....if you stopped wasting your time doing stupid back flips and spinning on your fucking thick skull and got a fucking job!

• Treatment of the elderly- The elderly get patronised beyond belief by the judges, who condescendingly alter their voices and mannerisms as if talking to a child. This is accompanied by a standing ovation when the elderly person announces their age, as if everybody's shocked that the contestant isn't dead or rotting in an old persons home. Regardless of how atrocious the elderly contestants performance is (usually a performance of Now That's What I Call World War 2 smash hit "We'll meet again"), the crowd and judges still lap it up and love every minute! If an elderly person were to walk out on the stage, forget where they are and urinate themselves the crowd would probably still over zealously applaud whilst Amanda Holden contrivedly forces out a tear.

One of the worst things about this show is that the following day it's guaranteed that people will be discussing the dire events of their Saturday nights in front of the idiot box. BGT bears no cultural relevance on Britain, yet hordes of idiots consider it to be the highlight of their week. If the level of entertainment offered in this truly awful show is anything to go by, I would have to completely disagree with its title.

Britains got naive mental cases, gormless simpletons, conceited judges, utterly detestable personalities and evidently no fucking lives.