Public toilets

Public toilets are fucking grim. There is nothing worse than being ‘caught short’ and having to resort to using one of these disgusting cesspits, only to find it covered in piss, shit, blood and graffiti. I REALLY don’t understand why people fuck up public toilets. YOU WILL HAVE TO USE IT TOO, YOU CRETIN. IF YOU SMEAR SHIT UP THE WALLS, YOU WILL HAVE TO SMELL IT.

OK, so for the sake of the world, can everyone agree to abide by some rules?

Clean up after yourself. Cleaning up after yourself might seem a bit of a broad statement, so I’ll narrow it down. If you use a toilet to piss standing up and you hit the seat/floor, get some tissue and mop it up. If you take a shit, FLUSH IT. Only use the toilet paper you need, if you ram the toilet with too much stuff, it will block. If it blocks, unblock it (I don’t care if you don’t have a plunger, use your fucking hands you disgusting cunt) If you leave shit all over the bowl that the flush doesn’t clear, clean it off. If you find yourself without toilet paper, DO NOT use pages from a book to wipe your ass and then stick the pages to the wall using your feces as the glue (Yes, this actually happened – take a bow, LS6).

Basically, leave the toilet in the same state that you’d want to find it. If you find yourself taking off the lid of the cistern to take a dump in it, you’re a cunt. If you start spinning round whilst pissing, stop and take a look at yourself. This comes down to general good manners and unless you are a fucking pig, you will already follow these rules.

Shitting Etiquette. For better or worse, we all sometimes find ourselves needing a shit when we are away from home. Fine. But just because there are 2 cubicles in a rest room, that does not mean two people can be shitting at the same time a metre away from each other. Sorry, but that is fucking foul. If you go into a toilet and a cubicle is occupied, you have to wait. Them’s the rules.

Picture the scene, you’re busting for a dump. You find a public toilet that’s clean and empty, PERFECT. You sit down and start about your business. Just as you’re getting into the swing of things, some twat walks in, takes the cubicle next to you and starts loudly shitting and farting and it fucking wreaks. You have to put your shirt over your nose to stop from gagging from the stench. Your nice relaxing shit has now become an horrific ordeal. FUCK THAT GUY. If someone else got there first, tough fucking luck buddy. Shit your pants if you have to.

Wanks. Public/work toilets are for three things; Pissing, shitting and power napping. That’s it. In exceptional circumstances, these uses can be extended to include; going into to buy/take drugs and to nip into to… ‘fornicate’ with your partner. We’ve all been there. To say you haven’t used some sort of empty toilet/changing room/meeting room for this purpose is simply misleading. You have. Yeah, it’s pretty grim, but fuck it, something has got to make museums fun, right? I’m fine with this, as long as it’s clean and no-one is around, go nuts. UNLESS you’re by yourself. If you’re planning on going solo, wait until you get home, for fuck sake.

I suspect this is more of a ‘work toilet’ thing as I know of at least five/six people who have admitted to me that they have snuck off to the office loo to knock one out… You are fucking grotesque. How bored do you really have to be to make this seem appealing?! Is it the thrill of getting caught? Have people seen so many porn movies these days that they expect a smoking hot temp to walk in, catch them at it and ‘finish them off’?! Not gonna happen. Hate to break it to you, but the only people walking through that door are your fat manager or the geeky IT Guy. Big soz.

And finally my pet hate, Graffiti. For some reason, people think it’s ok to daub all sorts of messages over the walls of public toilets. Whether it’s HILARIOUS pictures, jokes and limericks or powerful and thought provoking proverbs and political messages, if you have written a message on a toilet wall, you need to be put down. What the FUCK is wrong with you?! Ok, first off, who takes a marker pen into the toilet with them, really?! The answer is; NO-ONE. No-one carries a marker with them at all times. So already you’ve pre-planned your act of vandalism... WANKER. So you get into the toilet and sit down, what to write? Do you show people how fucking funny you are? Or shall you blow their minds with some philosophy? Go for humour.. ‘WANTED; BUTCH MAN FOR LONG TIME LOVIN, THINK URE MAN ENUFF? CALL ME’ And you write your friends number… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, FUCKING HELL!! FUCKING FUCKING HELL!! LOL!!! HAHAHAHAHA, IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE IT’S YOUR FRIENDS NUMBER!!! YOU REALLY ARE FUNNY!!!!!! OH MY FUCKING GOD, THAT IS SO. FUCKING. FUNNY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Seriously, these people need finding and putting to sleep. Worse than that is the pretentious ‘clever’ graffiti. If you’ve ever been to the Cowley Club, you’ll know that it is covered in such prolific statements as ‘Cameron is a pig’, ‘Fuck Thatcher’ and my personal favourite ‘It only takes one tree to make a thousand matches but only takes one match to burn a thousand trees…’ Wow… you’ve BLOWN MY MIND. Well done. Also, Stereophonics lyrics in an anarchist club? NICE.

Some people are so fucking retarded and disgusting it hurts my head. Fuck.