Bono

How the fuck have I not covered this self righteous, pompous waste of oxygen until now? I feel that I'm not alone in thinking that this man is the epitome of egotistical douchebag, and I'm certain that he's been setting off your smug alarms for years. Bono is lauded as a saint by some for his supposed philanthropy and selfless commitment to tackling poverty, but despite his charity work and seemingly good intentions I can't fucking stand him! These are my top reasons for hating this pretentious moron;

• U2 fucking suck- To me, listening to U2 is the musical equivalent of staring at a man's corpse whilst he is experiencing "angel lust" (post-mortem erection). U2 songs start and instantly reach a climax akin to a corpse's flaccid penis as it struggles to reach a depressingly lifeless boner that rapidly loses strength and eventually shrivels up into an inanimate nothing. It baffles me that U2 are the highest grossing band in the world, their music is so middle of the road and ineffectual that I can't hear it, I'm only aware that it exists. U2's style of "rock music" is always used to portray cool maverick types in mundane BBC drama's, for example think Judge John Deed struggling to vault a Rover, James Nesbitt chasing down a criminal through a supermarket or a Blue Peter presenter doing a bungee jump whilst the stock riff from "Elevation" plays in the background. This type of “rock” appeals to a smug beano reading chortler “rocking out” in a depressingly comfy environment (watching highlights of Glasto on the I-player whilst their dead behind the eyes wife is asleep on a Sunday after a roast), denying their middle class sensibilities whilst listening to U2 records (which they bought on the Apple store whilst picking up the new Coldplay album) on their vacant shiny 200GB I-pod (in a leather case to avoid scratching of course).

• Look at him....just look at him- So it's pretty much common knowledge that anybody that wears sunglasses indoors is automatically an utter cunt. Bono looks like a second rate cast off from the Matrix/a space cowboy from the future, wearing ridiculous hats, constantly draped in a leather trench coat looking like he might flash you at any moment. His flamboyant trademark image extenuates his infinite ego, the finishing touch on a self obsessed wanker.

• Bono is coming, act busy! -"I don't know why, but we always had this belief that there was something sacred about our music, that it was almost holy." ....WHAT? This is one of many truly narcissistic statements that the deluded old fruit has made when reflecting on his impact on music, highlighting his warped view of his own self importance. You're right Bono, some of your lyrics really are holy, here's a few of my personal favourites that have got me through some really hard times...I didn't give anyone else a choice/An intellectual tortoise” I've got no self control/Been living like a mole...now”.”Grace, is a name for a girl, it's also a thought that changed the world”

  Whoah, it's like he's channelling the words from my soul, his lyrics don't even slightly sound like they were written as homework by a GCSE student. I think if we need any further proof that God isn't real then that statement has put the nail in the fucking coffin, but on the other hand you could look at it like U2's music was created by a God with the divine purpose of punishment. Have you heard the parable of the rich man that moved his money in a private jet to a tax haven in a foreign country? Look it up in the Capitalist Bible mannnnnnnnnnn! Can we just hurry up and crucify him so that he can die for all our sins already?

  "Celebrity is currency, so I wanted to use mine effectively." There is nothing more patronising than having a millionaire getting up on their diamond encrusted soapbox and try and lecture you about global poverty, it is utterly sickening! Bono has never disclosed his contribution to fighting African poverty, but throwing money at a continent that is corrupt beyond belief will not solve anything. I'm not going to deny that in 1985 Live Aid was a well intentioned concert and a historic moment in Britain, but helping to raise money for Africa does not make Bono an expert in global politics. Bono seems to get behind any bandwagon with a safe political message like “War is not very nice”, “Racism is rubbish” or “Global warming is quite dangerous” presenting himself as a cool political maverick sticking it to “the man”. He may not play by the rules but by god he gets results! In reality he should not be entertained as a political figure in any form, just an opinionated old windbag that likes the sound of his own voice and lives with his greasy head permanently inserted in his own rectum.

Bono, you have been stuck in a moment of new age bullshit and pretention since the elevation of your ego in the 80's...you still haven't found what you're looking for and you're out of control. I hope you don't have vertigo, because you are going to fall off the edge of your mountainous moral high ground and it will be a beautiful day....someday bloody someday.

I can't live, with or without you