Babies

OK, I'm going to have to explain this one carefully. I don't HATE babies. I don't particularly love them, I'm indifferent towards them. They're just small people. In a way they're better than most people as (on the whole) they just sit there in silence rather than filling your ears with bullshit. So OK, fine, babies are alright. But what I cannot abide AT ALL, is the effect these little things have on idiots.

I woman who recently gave birth came into my office this morning to 'introduce' the baby to people. As soon as she walked in, it was like a bomb went off. Almost everyone jumped up and ran over to her. For the next hour, all I could hear was 'OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOD!!! SHE'Z ZO CUUUUTTTTTEEEEEE!!!!!' A couple of the woman even looked like they were about to cry, It was madness... As the little kid got passed from stranger to stranger, it was like a virus. As soon as someone touched it, they were infected and could no longer pronunciate their words and seemed to repeat things over and over and over and over and over and over and over...

'OH MY GOD! SHE'S GOT TINY HANDDDDDDDSSSS!!! WHOSE GOT TINY HANDS? WHOSE GOT TINY HANDS? OOOO'S GOT TINY 'ANDS?? OOZE GT TIINY 'HANDS? OOOOZZEE GOT TINY ANDS? OOZEGOTTINYANDS? OOZGTTANDS? OZTYNDS??' *deep breath...* 'YOU'VE GOT TINY HANDS, YOU GOT TINY HANDS, U GT TINY HANDS, U GT TINEY 'ANDS, UGTTNYANDS, UUUGTTNYHNDS...'

OH MY FUCKING GOD. What is it about babies that makes adults turn into bumbling fucking idiots?!

After 40 minutes or so, the crowd at the zoo began to thin out and someone dug out a gift for the baby. It's was a pair of Converse... BAM! Everything started again, 'OH MYYY GOODDDDDD!!!! LOOK HOW SMALL THEY AREEEE!!!!!!' What?! Of course they're small? They're for a baby! If you got it size 16's you'd be wasting your money. I don't get it... They're just like Converse but smaller... So fucking what?

I recently became an uncle, and living away from home means it's sort of an event when I go back, so my sister always comes over and brings my niece. The second she's in the door all intelligence leaves the room. My mum grabs her and points her at me 'WHOSE THAT? WHOSE THAT LILLY? WHOSE THAT? WHOSE THAT? WHOSE THAT? WHOSE THAT? WHSETHT? WSTT? DOESN'T HE LOOK GRUMPY? YES, IT'S THE GRUMPY MAN, IT'S THE GRUMPY MAN, THE GRUMPY MAN, GRUMPY, GRUMPY, GRUMPY... GRUMPY, HE'S A GRUMP'

FUCK OFF! SHE DOESN'T KNOW WHO I FUCKING AM, SHE'S SIX MONTHS OLD!

Then I get the inevitable, 'Here Peter, you hold her... No! Not like that!!' and Lilly will be placed on me 'Talk to her then!'

'What? oh... Hi Lilly, how's it going? Um... Did you see the football yesterday?' And everyone laughs like I'M the fucking idiot. I guess i wasn't doing it right. What I meant was 'Wse2smll2gtfball??'

In fact, the more I think about it, the more respect I have for babies. The amount of shit they have to listen to on a daily basis is unparalleled. They can't even get up and walk away for the first year or so. They just have to lie there as all adults around them spew nonsense over and over and over.

I'm so surprised all babies first words aren't 'Please god, shut the fuck up or as soon as I get old enough I'm going to strangle you in your sleep'