Drums.

I like to think I'm a very liberal person. If I ever have kids I would support anything they wanted to do and any life choices they made... except one. If my (fictional) son or daughter came to me and told me they wanted to play the drums, I would disown them. I've been playing drums for about... 15 years? And trust me, there is no biggest waste of time and money in the world.

I wouldn't say playing drums was forced on me, but it was something that was always going to happen. My Dad used to play drums in an RAF marching band (TRU PUNX) when he was in the forces and there was always a pair of drum sticks floating around our house. I eventually took it up in secondary school and took a few lessons with the school drum teacher. Which leads me onto the first reason to not play drums; The cost.

Drum lessons in 1996 (FUCK) were £18 an hour. I remember that specifically as my Mum nearly had a heart attack when I told her. On top of that, I needed to buy my own sticks. £8 a pair. WICKED. So basically, I had very few drum lessons. Just enough to learn a beat and then I was on my own. Since then I must have spent thousands and thousands of pounds on this piece of shit hobby. Two drum kits, countless bits of hardware, an obscene amount of cymbals and what must equate to a forests worth of fucking drum sticks.

Seriously, this shit is expensive. I worked all summer cleaning tables in Pizza Hut to buy my first drum kit, and even then I couldn't afford a fucking good one. I dread to think how many Cymbals I've been through costing between £150-£200 a go... nearly 20? You'd think that something made from sheet metal would be pretty sturdy, right? WRONG. They break, they crack, they split and as soon as it happens, you're fucked. Yeah, they have warranties, but they only last a year and the average cymbals life span must be about 366 days. It's a fucking scam... And don't even get me started on fucking drum sticks... £8 a pair and the break in fucking sound check?! Fucking do one. So, there you go, drums are seriously expensive. Reason one.

Reason two; Drums fucking suck. If you learn the Piano or the Cello or something like that, you learn specific songs, melodies and scales. You get something for your money. My sister has been playing piano as long as I can remember, if she wants to play something for someone she can sit down and play some Beethoven, if she wants to relax she can sit down and play Chopin. What the fuck am I going to do? 'Hey look everyone! Bass drum!' *THUD* ...Great. Drums are the musical equivalent of the guy who turns up to a formal dinner party fucked out of his face with a prostitute on his arm. Everyone is sitting around having a nice time, talking about current events and then Drummy Drummond turns up screaming and being sick everywhere. Drums aren't an instrument, they're a fucking nuisance.

After my few lessons my mum asked to see what I'd learnt.

'Yeah Mum, I've learnt loads! Check this out!' *BASS DRUM - SNARE - BASS DRUM - BASS DRUM - SNARE*

'Oh... what song is that?!'

'......All songs?'

It might sound like I'm putting this on for comedy effect, but I'm not, drums are THAT dull. After my few lessons I basically thought 'Well, this sucks... I wonder how fast I can play this beat?' And that's pretty much all the fun I could get out of it. Don't get me wrong, I love doing bands, going on tour, drinking loads and visiting water parks, but the worst part about being on tour is the actual gig part. Great... 30 minutes of hitting stuff. WOOOOOOOOOO.... OK, so you've brought your drums, you've learnt your 4/4 beat. Next you join a band and start playing gigs.... MASSIVE ERROR.

My friend was telling me about a guitar pedal the other day that's basically an amp in a pedal and sounds wicked. He knows someone who has started using it for gigs, so basically he rocks up with a guitar in a gig bag, a distortion pedal and this amp pedal. Bass players now just need their bass and a Sansamp (another tiny pedal that sounds wicked). Drummers? Sticks, Cymbals, Snare and Pedal... at least. Usually your own snare stand too. You have no idea how heavy this crap is to carry.

So by this point you're in a band. Think you're pretty cool, ay? Nope, you're a drummer. You sit at the back of the stage, looking like neanderthal man, hitting things with sticks, getting sweaty and grunting. There is NO way to look good playing drums. A few years ago when Blink 182 got big I played so many gigs with drummers who tried to be Travis Barker. Playing exactly like him and making themselves look like EVEN MORE of a fuckwit. You can try to dress it up in any way you want, but at the end of the day, you'll never make drumming look cool. Just accept you made a shitty life choice. You're sweaty, you're constantly poor and you have arthritis in your wrists and elbows. The dreams over.

Lastly, Drum Solos; What the fuck is the point in a drum solo? I remember my Dad telling me once that he saw Deep Purple in the 70's and the drummer did an 18 minute drum solo... EIGHTEEN FUCKING MINUTES?! Fuck off.

SNARE

TOM

SNARE

SNARE

TOM

SNARE

BASS DRUM

TOM

SNARE

SNARE

SNARE

BASS DRUM

TOM

TOM.... Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. Can you really imagine ANYTHING worse?

So there it is, don't let your kids play drums. As soon as their old enough, they'll resent you for it.