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Thursday, 10 February 2011

'Retro'

The commute to work is REALLY fucking me over, I've never been so closely surrounded by so many fucking morons. Whether it's students moaning on and on about their course work, or the 14 year old girl sat in front of me the other day, telling her friend on the phone that she'd got a 'lovebite' that lunch-time and didn't know how to hide it from her parents, EVERYONE on that bus is a complete prick.

Today I had the pleasure of sitting next to some fuckwit who insisted on having a conversation across me. Shit continued to spill from her mouth for a good ten minutes before the conversation dried out and she decided to listen to some music. Hhe went into her bag and pulled out a Panasonic discman...

"Oh my god! What is that?!" said Idiot A.
"It's a discman" replied Idiot B.
"For Cd's?! don't you have an ipod?"
"Yeah, but you know, I just like retro stuff..."

YOU. FUCKING. PRICK.

The coolness attached to retro things is something that really fucks me off. The marketing guy that made that word up is an absolute genius. 'I've got all this old shit that no-one wants... how can I sell it? I know! I'll call it Retro or Vintage!' BOOM, millionaire. By selling people old, crappy shit you can make a fortune. Brighton City Centre is full of shops selling old worn out shoes, jeans with holes in and coats that smell like dead people. WHY WOULD YOU BUY THIS?!

The thing is, that isn't the worst of it. Everyone likes what they like. If you want to buy a coat that somebody died in, go nuts. But it's when people get into the retro lifestyle so much that it actually makes there life harder that I have to wonder what the fuck is going on in their head. IE, the cunt on the bus.

First off, a discman not 'Retro' it is a piece of obsolete technology. It died out because it DIDN'T WORK. Who really wants a 'portable' music player that skips every time you move it? And who wants to lug about a stack of Cd's?! By choosing to listen to music on a discman because you think it looks cool, you are choosing to listen to your music in short 2 second bursts between skips. If for some fucking retarded reason you really don't want an ipod, get a walkman or even a mini-disc player... ANYTHING, but a shit discman. Fuck it, go REALLY retro, don't listen to music and read a book, you fucking prick.

Another example is a girl I saw while walking to work a couple of years ago. She struggling to ride up the hill from Josephs Well into Hyde Park, she was riding on the road and there was a queue of traffic stuck behind her. As she got closer I noticed she had a sort of '50's rockabilly' thing going on. Fine, whatever. But when she went coughing and spluttering past, I noticed she was actually riding a rusty 1950's bike. WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT?!

They make bikes with gears now, this is to make your life easier so you can get up fucking hills without having a fucking heart attack, YOU FUCKING IDIOT. Also, you're obviously going to uni, I can tell because you have a stack of text books in a basket on the front of the bike that are now getting rained on. Put them in a fucking backpack! You might not look as 'cool' and 'retro' as you'd like, but by accepting modern day improvements on life you would get to uni quicker, your books would be dry, the people stuck behind you wouldn't be beeping and you wouldn't be dripping in sweat, YOU FUCKING RETARD.

Pretty much everything old you can think of has been updated, improved and modernised. It's 2011, it's officially the future. Fucking grow up.

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