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Thursday, 3 March 2011

Gillian McKeith

It is a truly perplexing world that we live in when somehow the ideas of Gillian McKeith are entertained for even a second. This witch "doctor" has become one of the leading nutritionists in the UK, despite her collosally irritating personality and more than dubious credentials. These are my top reasons for desperately clasping for the remote when this excrement detective opens her dead behind the eyes face....

  • You are what you eat- If you have been unfortunate enough to watch this horrendous spectacle, then you will have seen "Dr" McQueef" relentlessly pester and bully fat people into changing their frankly disgusting diets into something that has been approved by the fetid ginger skeleton herself. Her colourful use of scare tactics have an overwhelming sense of callousness that is unmatched, and the extreme lengths that these shock tactics go to are appauling! It is difficult to see how her intentions are good when she leads her hapless obese pets out into their gardens to be confronted by a tombstone made of chocolate and butter, with their name ominously spelled out on it like she's the fucking "Ghost of Christmas Past" showing Flabaneezer Huge what will happen if he doesn't end his revolting fat binge!
  • Doctor? Bitch please!- Dr (?) Gillian McKeith has been mired in controversy since details of her false accreditation from "The University of Make Believe, Lollypop Lane, Faketown, Neverland, USA" were eventually investigated. Dr Doolittle was subsequently forced to remain from referring to herself as an accredited Doctor, and has since adopted the far less impressive moniker of "holistic nutritionist"....a title that screams "new age hippie ballbag" to me. When I think of a doctor, I would never associate the aggressive manner or cold indifference that Ms McKeith insensitively doles out to her patients with a REAL professional...people would simply not stand for it. The seemingly endless practice of becoming a fully qualified doctor is a long and arduous process, and for this charlatan to claim that she has earned this title is an insult to doctors worldwide. If PHD was an ackronym for "Permanent Head Damage", I think she would have undoubtably graduated as a fully qualified nutjob with flying colours!
  • "The Awful Poo Lady"- Ms McKeith (now that we have established she is not a doctor) has rightfully earned this nickname for her unhealthy obsession towards the fecal matter of the unhealthy. She excitedly disects and sifts through the rancid droppings of others like Indiana Jones on a treasure hunt, taking great pleasure in highlighting the malnourished subject that she's wrist deep in. I often think that she collects mementos of her patients excrement and stores it in a macabre methodical ritual, labelling her subjects for later enjoyment like a serial killer and their grisly trophies.
  • Odd grasp of human biology- For a supposed expert, Ms McKeith lacks an important understanding of even the most basic scientific conventions. Here is an example...Ms Mckeith once absurdly claimed that eating chlorophyl would be beneficial to an individuals health due to to its concentrated oxygen content, which had the ability to oxygenate the blood. if you are unfamiliar with chlorophyl, it is a pigment found in plants and algae that is an essential part of photosynthesis (if you don't know what photosynthesis is then go back to school!). In order for photosynthesis to occur, there must be light for the plant to absorb. This begs the question, how would chorophyl become oxygenated without a light source? Is she proposing that we shove a flashlight up our anus and photosynthesise internally? Surely this is proof enough that her grasp of science is not professionally sound, and her words should not be held with any regard.

(The after effects of Ms McKeith's attempt to vaidate her point by internally photosynthesising with the use of a 10" torch)

I think that Ms McKeith has dishonestly profited off of those that believed her to be an accredited expert, and was allowed to peddle her snake oil advice unchallenged for too long. Whilst the intentions of a professional intent on changing an individuals diet for the better is honorable, I feel that the advice of a quack like Gillian McKeith is null and void due to her highly questionable credentials and scientifically incorrect statements. When you combine this with her ugly attention seeking personality, you are left with an incredibly dislikeable person that is more than worthy of a hateful rant!

If you truly are what you eat, I dread to think of the repellant poison that Gillian McKeith has been hungrily stuffing herself with....


  1. Yay for comments on long-forgotten blog posts!

    Basically- well done. This is brilliantly written and every word is true. Nice job. Now to convince the rest of the millions of people who've bought her trash.

  2. Dara O' Briain did a bit on her in one of his stand ups

  3. Cackling hysterically- you have a way with words...