London.

London. What a fucking SHIT HOLE.

I had the dubious pleasure of visiting our capital city this week and it was the most pointless, stressful and money draining experience of my life. I guess I should start from the beginning, my band were recording with my friend Ben this week who lives on a ship on the Thames. Luke and I decided to get the train up together on Monday, we got to the station and brought our tickets. Point one - The ticket was £17, even WITH a Young Persons Railcard. WHAT THE FUCK?! Why is public transport so much more expensive to go to London?! It's like you're being taxed for visiting the cesspit.

Anyway, we brought tickets to London Bridge as that was the closest to where we were going. Fine. We looked at the board, no trains. OK, we'll go to Victoria and get the tube. As much as I hate the tube, we were already running late so we maned up. We got off the train at Victoria and walked towards the barriers. We were carrying gear so we went to the maned gate at the side, Luke walked though no problem. I showed the guy my ticket 'Stop!, Go over there' and the guy pointed to the excess fare stand. I try to ask what I've done wrong but the cunt is looking the other way now and as we all know, once you've turned your head, it is physically impossible to hear anything behind you.

So I wander over to the stand, pass the ticket to the guy and tell him what's happened.

'Brighton to London Victoria is £17 please...' and he holds out his hand

'Sorry?!'

'Your ticket is to London Bridge, this is Victoria, you haven't paid'

'I have! Look, my ticket is in your hand!'

'Doesn't work like that'

At this point, I know I'm not going to win and we're running late so fuck it. 'Can I just pay the difference?'

'Yes, the difference is £17'

'But I've already PAID you most of it?!'

'Brighton to Victoria is Southwest trains, you brought Brighton to London Bridge, that's First Capital Connect. You've paid them, you've not paid Southwest Rail...'

'For fucks.... Ok fine, I have a young persons ra...'

'You can't use Railcards on jumped fares'

'I DIDN'T JUM... oh for fucks sake, here...' and I pass him the money. So, so far this had cost me £34.

I go back to that barrier and it's unsupervised, I walk through with no-one checking my ticket. FUCKING DO ONE.

Luke and I walk to the tube station talking about how shit London is and swearing we'll never come back. We climb down to the Underground station and it's chaos. Staff everywhere are setting up barriers, all the ticket machines are closed and a voice over the loud speaker is telling us that the Victoria's systems are going down. I need to top up my Oyster card but can't seem to do it anywhere. I head to the nearest attendant who is taking a barrier apart.

'Excuse me, sorry, where can I...' The guy stops what he's doing, stares straight at the floor and points a finger towards the ticket gates.

'You need to ask someone else' ...Great. Thanks buddy. We walk deeper into the station and find the last three working ticket machines. After waiting in the queue I scan my Oyster card, top up a fiver and I'm ready to go. I walk to the gate and scan it *BEEP* SEEK ASSISTANCE. Fucking hell. I walk to the gate with an attendant.

'Hi, sorry, I jus...'

'Our systems are going down, you'll have to sort it out at the other end' and she beeps me through. Whatever, she was REALLY rude, but at least we're on the way. We get our tubes and get onto the DLR to East India. A couple of stops in a guy comes round to ask for tickets, I pass him my Oyster card.

'Excuse me, you haven't paid'

'No' I say, and I explain about the systems and the lady.

'No staff would buzz you through, you haven't paid'

'No really she did, I topped up an...'

'Your balance is empty, there was no top up'

'What?! I did!' At this point everyone on the train is looking at me.

'Could you step off the train please?'

'What?!! No! I topped up! The woman... the systems!!'

Luke weighs in to help me, 'Honestly, he did top it up I saw him, the woman let him through'

'I'd like to meet this 'woman'' Says the ticket guy.

Luke tries a bit of humour, 'I'd like to see her again too, she she was pretty hot...' Nothing, not even a smile... BAD AUDIENCE.

'...Please step off the train'

We get off the train and I'm, painfully aware that he's still holding my Oyster card, train ticket and Young Persons card.

'So your name is Peter Smith?'

'Yes'

'You came from Brighton?'

'Yes'

'Ok, I'm writing you a ticket'

'WHAT?! For how much?!?!'

'£25'

'What?!?!?' Pretty much the second I scream this, Luke bursts out laughing and pointing at me.

'You should have purchased a ticket like your friend'

'I DID!!! I TOPPED UP!!'

'You didn't top up, Sir. Just give me your details' And like a fucking doyle I list off my address and postcode and agree to pay the fine in the next £21 days or it will go up to £50. So, so far my journey has cost me £34 train fare, £5 'missing' Oyster card top up and a fine of at least £25. FUCK OFF LONDON.

Fuck me, this is turning into an essay....

Anyway, the next day I went into the centre of London to meet Sam. I get there early, and have a walk around Holborne. Everyone is rude as fuck and seems to not see me so after about ten minutes of pricks walking into me and not saying sorry decide to find some booze. It's just gone midday so I find a little pub off the beaten track and think maybe I'll get some peace and quiet. I walk in and the fucking place is rammed already. Wall to wall yuppies in suits playing on their iPhones. I think again, but remember that alcohol is the answer and go to the bar to order a pint. 'That's £4.60 please...' You're fucking KIDDING?! After two pints I feel like I've been mugged. £9.20 for two drinks is a fucking disgrace.

After getting horrifically lost, I meet up with Sam and go to a museum. After an hour or so of looking at aborted things in jars, we make a move. We need to walk about a mile to pick up Sam's bags and then another mile to the tube station. It takes fucking AGES. Everyone is barging into us, walking in front of us and rushing past us. I swear it nearly took an hour just to get to the bags. then we walked to the station. At this point I snap and decide to play 'Hardest Rock'. I walk in a straight line, not moving for anyone. After a couple of minutes of knocking people (and one small child) out of my way I think better of it. I decide I can't become one of these London Cunts, I would rather die then join them. And I go back to ducking out of other peoples way.

We reached the tube station bang on rush hour but there's a problem, two of the four entrances are closed. There is a crackly voice coming over the P.A. telling people that to 'ease over crowding' they have closed two entrances so we need to use one on the others. THIS MAKES NOT FUCKING SENSE!!!!! Surely to ease over crowding you should OPEN two more entrances, not CLOSE them... SURELY?!

EURRRGGHHHHH.... By this time the little glimmer of hope that lives in my head has died and all I can think about is drowing myself in a bathtub. We crossed the road (getting beeped at by taxis) and forced our way into the stairway. I felt like I was a Gladiator in Ancient Rome walking into the arena, only instead of Italian virgins throwing rose petals over me, I have a sweaty deadlocked prick, leaning over the barriers, pushing a newspaper in my face 'Evening Standard, mate? Wanna Standard? Do ya?' NO! NO I FUCKING DON'T! FUCKING FUCK OFF!! FUCK FUCKING OFFFFFF!!!!!

ARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!! London is a fucking HOLE. It is overcrowded to fuck and everyone acts like a fucking CUNT. It terrifies me that I may be going to University there next year. I'm really tempted to withdraw my application and refuse to step foot in anywhere closer to the centre than Kingston from now on. I really can't understand how people can move there. Two of my friends moved last Summer... Rather them than me. Fuck that place. So there you go, my two days in London.

The whole time I felt like one of those cartoon characters that has a small rain cloud over their head that follows them around all day. How can anyone like the place? Seriously?! The sheer amount of people, the noise, the smell, the pollution, the light pollution, the tube, the smugness of the residents, the tourists, the prices, the disgusting fucking Thames, the shit tourist sites... fucking everything. I wish the ground would open up and swallow the place whole.