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Tuesday, 21 December 2010

Metallica

I thought I would end the year with something I feel extremely strongly and passionately about. Not cancer, not racism, not climate change… I fucking HATE Metallica.

With the possible exception of Red Hot Chilli Peppers, there is not a more ‘general rock’ band in the world than Metallica. A fast bit here, a ballad there, some stabs here, a solo there and sprinkle with lyrics that redefine the term ‘shit’… They are just awful.


The thing is, there are a mountain of shit bands in the world, but not all of them have the continual bumming that Metallica gets. It seems to be like a rite of passage for alternative people. Like; if you get into guitar music, you MUST like Metallica. You wake up one morning and the KERRANG! Fairy has snuck into your house and placed a copy Ride the Lightning under your pillow.


When I was 12/13 and started listening to bands, no-one in my circle of friends was into Metallica so I never got passed there CD’s. I never heard them. Then when I went to college someone mentioned them and I said I’d never really heard them. Everyone was appalled and immediately gave me things to listen to. I took them home thinking ‘FUCK, I’ve missed out on something amazing!’ Put them on my stereo and BAM! Total fucking dogshit. AS IF people like this crap?! I mean, I can understand how a 12 year old could, but seriously, anyone over that age cannot like this piss?


Do I just not get it? Is it that all these fucking long haired greebo’s in sleeveless denim jackets got into Metallica at the age of 12 and have never grown up, like sort of thrash lost boys? It’s fucking bullshit. How can you really say you love a band with lyrics like “My lifestyle determines my deathstyle” or “I'm pulling your strings, twisting your mind and smashing your dreams” It’s moronic.


On top of the fact that they suck as a band, they REALLY suck as individuals. Anyone who has seen the utter genius that is ‘Some Kind of Monster’ will know this to be true. That film is UNBELIEVABLE. What a complete set of benders those three guys are. I don’t know which one I hate most… the worlds WORST drummer/artist and all round total fucking yuppie moron, the silent guitarist who kicks his toys out of the pram when he’s not allowed to play another shit solo, or the fucking cretin that is James Hetfield; Fucking off to Russia to shoot bears and in the process missing his sons first birthday… WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!


The film revolves around the making of St. Anger. They disappear into a studio for nearly two years I think, record around thirty songs (proof, if ever it was needed, that Metallica’s music is a piece of piss to write) and then call in there management company to help decide what songs to use. I cannot believe these pricks are surrounded by people constantly kissing their asses, telling them everything they do is amazing. When what they really need is someone to pass them a handful of pills, a bottle of vodka and a plastic bag.


And if all of that wasn’t enough to make me hate Metallica, they seem to be on a continuing crusade to crucify people that illegally download music. I can’t be the only person in the world that just wants to shake Lars Ulrich and scream ‘YOU’RE FUCKING RICH ENOUGH, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU NEED MORE MONEY FOR?!?!’ And so fucking what if people download your music for free, if you wrote better records people would still go to see you live or buy your shirts from H+M, you prick.


Don’t get me wrong, I’d like to round up everyone that downloads Enter Sandman too. I think they should be shipped off to some island somewhere and be forced into some sort of Battle Royale fight to the death.


Basically, my point is, fuck Metallica.

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