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Friday, 31 December 2010

Public Service Etiquette

I have spent the best part of 24 hours on public transport over the Christmas period and have, on the whole, been surrounded by the total dregs of society. Public transport sucks, clue's in the name really, it's for PUBLIC use and given that 99% of the public are utter pondlife, your travel experience is going to make you want to drown things.


  • PHONES. Mobile phones are the bane of my life and if it wasn't for my need to be in constant contact with Jay, I would happily do without one. I detest these foul little pieces of plastic, it's like they are designed to annoy everyone around them and nowhere is more evident then on trains and buses. Firstly, PUT YOUR PHONE ON SILENT. Nobody wants to be startled awake by your phone playing the banjo duel from Deliverance at ear splitting volume, you prick. Second, DON'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE. You are surrounded by strangers who really do not give a fuck what happened to you in the office yesterday or what you are getting up to this weekend. I have had to endure so many long bus journeys and all I've had to listen to is some cunt behind me moaning to some other cunt about nonsense 'You'll never guess what he said to me.... no.... no... no.... no! yeah! I know!! blah blah fucking blah....' Just don't pick up. If you HAVE to pick up, speak quietly and hurry off the phone. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU EVER PUT YOUR PHONE ON SPEAKERPHONE. Fucking hell...
  • IPODS. IPODS have volume controls you know? You don't need to have it on SO loud that I can hear your earphones from the other end of a busy bus. I remember when i was 13 or 14 and I would get on the bus with my walkman on (fucking hell I am OLD) and I'd put the volume up as far as I could. I wanted to be 'that guy', I wanted people to know I wasn't like the rest of you fucking losers listening to 'Now that's what I call Music' Fuck no, I was listening to H2O and I was a rebel. Now it's twelve years later and I listen to St. Mannequins on a nice manageable level, thank you very much. It's called growing up (getting old). So, that being said, THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO LISTEN TO ANYTHING SO LOUD ON THE WAY TO WORK THAT I CAN HEAR IT YOU ARE NOT SOME TWATTY TEENAGER. Also, never, ever, ever sing along to what you're listening to. Jeebus Christ. I don't want to hear you singing Welcome to the Jungle, I don't even want to hear Axel Rose singing it, shut up. You are in public.
  • NO TALKING. I'm on public transport, you're on public transport, big whoop. We don't have things in common. We WON'T get along, DON'T try to talk to me. I realise that sometimes buses get busy, and you sometimes need to sit next to people you don't know. But that is NOT an invitation to talk about your day, the weather, the news, your kids or anything in fact. Get on, sit down, shut up and keep your eyes straight ahead until your stop. I was on a coach to Leeds once, minding my own business, headphones on, and the lady sat next to me leans over with the paper to show me a story about foxes mauling two little kids. I nod and say 'yeah i heard, awful'... ERROR. Never talk back to these people, it only gives them an in. For the next hour she wouldn't shut up about how the government should have a huge cull of foxes. In the end I had to just pull my hood over my eyes and curl up on my seat until she got the message.
  • DON'T SMELL. It's the 21st Century. There is NO excuse for smelling nowadays. There are deodorants, roll on's, perfumes, soaps, shampoos, shower gels... HOW HARD IS IT TO FUCKING WASH?! You know you are going on public transport, you know you will be surrounded by strangers. Seriously, just have a shower.
Public transport is something we all have to endure. But if everyone plays by the rules. It will be a little more bearable.

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