Perfume Adverts

I hate perfume adverts! For as long as I can remember there has been an influx of increasingly pretentious perfume adverts polluting our TV's like a bad smell (see what I did there?) These 30 second long ineffectual "art house" annoyances could literally be advertising anything, there is nothing in them to suggest that they represent a fragrance.
Picture the scene....

Men's perfume advert

Filmed with a sepia tone, a muscular, male masturbatory aid (generally a Hollywood actor) walks through a luxurious apartment in tight boxer trunks. He is accompanied by light jazz music, creating a suave/sophisticated mood. The camera follows the man as he strolls through his yuppie paradise, focusing on his ridiculously muscular physique and expensive decor. This man personifies success, we all want to be him... at least that is what the director is aiming to make us think. He makes some coffee, turns and faces the camera and says the abstract name of the fragrance. The advert abruptly ends, and I am left completely clueless as to the purpose of this futile attempt at advertisement.


Women's perfume advert

Filmed in black and white, a malnourished woman with artificially immaculate hair and make-up walks through a deserted gothic mansion in the rain. Intense piano music features in the background, in accordance with the sombre mood that the advert is trying to create. Her face is a blank canvas, showing no emotion or purpose. The woman wanders aimlessly for a few seconds in a catwalk style, puts her finger to her lips in a "shhhhh" motion, and whispers a nonsensicle word in a French accent. "Pretentious by Chanel". Sorry you've lost me, what the fuck is going on?

What sincerely worries me about these adverts is that somebody has actually written them! I imagine a board room scene with a team of hollow cokehead marketing experts, brain storming ideas on how to create something that will suitably portray the fragrance.
"Black and white...make sure it's black and white. Yeah get that guy from that film, and that director....the French guy that made that film that won those awards. Urmmmm what should we call it? Something that says success, class, elegance and creates nice imagery. Cool water? Fluid Iceberg? Pour Monsieur? Yuppie por homme? Guys we've done it again!"

Both the marketing strategists and the directors churn out these ludacrously expensive adverts with no regard for a logical narrative structure, or anything that even makes any sense. But there is always one clear underlying message in these adverts that transcends gender and obscurity.....buy this perfume and people will want to have sex with you.

I understand that without "smell-o-vision" technology it is impossible to represent a scent through a visual medium, but do these adverts really have to be so pointlessly pretentious? This is an advert for a fragrance made from whale semen, crushed up beetles, crocodiles lips, urine and truffles.....this is NOT the new fucking Wes Anderson film! IDIOTS!